Mind Flood
by Nail Strafer
Summary: Ryan Gary was a loyal soldier, helping Lord O'Donnell reclaim the Sargasso Space Station from the Cornerian tyrants. Sable was an alluring emissary journeying from the planet Thaljista in the far off Diaspora System. Tonight fate has brought them together for a date, and only Elarix knows what will happen when they meet... Elarix's entry in Sheppard SD's OC pairing fic contest.


_**Elarix's**__ A/N: This oneshot was written in response to Sheppard's "Date Night" prompt/challenge where we submitted characters and were randomly assigned pairings to write a date fic about. From the drawing I was given Nail Strafer's character Sable, and Sheppard's character Ryan Gary. The story is full of inside jokes that won't make sense unless you're caught up on both _Hazardous Contents_ and _Callsign Northern_, which at the time of publication are on chapters 19 and 3 respectively. Happy reading!_

_**Nail Strafer's**__ A/N: So yeah…this is a story written by Elarix, not me. Like he said, it's for the Date Night fic challenge, and my own entry in that challenge is _Tied Up_, which I posted a few months ago. However, Elarix decided to let me host this fic on my profile instead of his own. So I give full credit to him for this story, aside from me doing minor tweaks in regards to proofreading. Elarix, if you ever change your mind and want me to take this down, or go to hosting it on your own profile, just let me know._

_Anyway, those of you who've read _Hazardous Contents_ will definitely get a kick out of what shenanigans Sable's up to in this story, although you'll see how funny it is on a whole other level if you read Sheppard SD's story Callsign Northern as well. Just giving ol' Sheppy a shout out :D_

~X~

**Mind Flood**

In the darkest reaches of the Meteo asteroid field, the _Onyx _hid in shadows. It was blacker than the empty void of space itself. Which actually proved a problem since enemy gunners frequently became suspicious of the delta-shaped hole in space. Azerian designers needed to go back to the drawing board and re-think this one. But it was too late now; the _Onyx _had already made its week-long voyage from Thaljista to the Lylat System, and there was no going back until its passenger had something concrete to report.

Sitting in her quarters aboard the _Onyx_ was Sable, an emissary from Thaljista. She was a proud jungle cat with near-black fur, meaning unlike the _Onyx_ she could actually slip by a ship's lookout without standing out. But then the biggest problem would be surviving in the vacuum of space, and Sable decided to kill that train of thought then and there with a threatening slash across her neck and a glare of daggers.

Also in the room were her two bodyguards Jima and Rihat, who wore identical gray bodysuits and flat expressions. Jima just stared forward resolutely, while Rihat was fixated on a palm-sized device in her hand.

Sable sat at the foot of her bed, legs folded and chin in hand. With a bored expression she glanced about the room, but couldn't find anything to stare at that she hadn't already viewed a thousand times over. The monotony of their mission was getting to her.

"Jima, any word on our leads?"

The snow leopardess struggled not to roll her eyes. "No ma'am. Not since the last time you inquired, roughly five minutes ago."

Sable snapped her fingers. "Rats!"

"All we know is that the case is in Corneria's possession, but rest assured they have no inkling of how to use its power."

"And have we received any responses from local mercenaries?"

"None so far my lady."

Sable grumbled in disappointment and resumed scowling. Her attention turned to Rihat, who seemed to be the only one having fun in the room. There was something about the way he kept typing on his device, each clawed keystroke making a _plik plik_ sound that jabbed like needles into her ears.

The pantheress growled. "Rihat! Put that thing away at once!"

The puma flinched and pocketed his device. "Y-yes ma'am!"

Sable crossed her arms and added, "Why should you be allowed to have fun when I am bored out of my mind?"

Jima bowed and admonished her, "Patience, my lady! Soon we will uncover the whereabouts of the case, and then we can make our move."

His mistress settled down a bit. "You are right, but the long wait is killing me. First a week long voyage here, then a month of aimlessly drifting through space. If only there were something to do besides sating my hunger on the richest delicacies peasants would sell their souls to taste. Something besides treating myself to the ship's private spa, or binge-watching Azerian period docudramas for the millionth time."

Rihat lifted an eyebrow. "Did you have something in mind?"

"Yes. It has been far too long since I've seen a man. The capital was full of eligible young princes. Out here in Lylat there's not a single male feline of royal blood for a hundred light years."

"The captain could offer his company," Rihat suggested. "Or me."

Sable waved her hand. "You're both leagues below my level. Plus I'd have to order you or him to dine with me and it wouldn't be the same as having an actual man with free will."

Jima lifted a reflective pink glove from a box on Sable's dresser, the material of which seemed to flow like liquid metal. "Shall we try the gauntlet of pleasure again?"

Sable pinched her nose and scowled. "Please, remove that from my sight. I can't make small talk with a glove, Jima. Not when I'm using all my brain capacity to shape it into a—"

Rihat pulled out his small tablet-like device. "Have you tried Hindr?"

"Hindr?" Sable repeated.

The puma approached his mistress and offered her the device.

"What's this?"

"This is a uPhone."

Sable accepted the device gingerly and stared at the homescreen. "Ah, I see the appeal of the name. A marketing scheme by corporations to stroke the ego of mindless consumers obsessed with the notion of the self."

"Lylatians use it to connect with one another and manage their social media accounts."

"Yes, of course; an entire culture of individuals convinced of their own self-importance who micromanage their image in the eyes of others. They farcically 'like' one another's images in the hopes that they will be 'liked' back. Rihat, I am ashamed of you for falling prey to such a scheme!"

"I am merely immersing myself in Lylatian culture, my lady," Rihat humbly said while bowing. "But, if you are desperate for male companionship, perhaps I could interest you in online dating?"

Rihat tapped an icon on the phone's homescreen depicting a deer's rear end, situated above which was a tail of licking flames.

"This is Hindr!" His enthusiasm was quite unbecoming of a member of the Azerian guards. "It is a social media app dedicated to quick hookups. You setup your profile, set your preferences and information, then search through a list of eligible men."

Sable looked like she was smelling a dead rat carcass, but she held the phone all the same. "Lylatian culture is much closer to crumbling into anomie than I thought. They have destroyed the family unit and robbed romance of its true meaning. Is nothing sacred to them?! Is their definition of love a one night stand? It's all about sex, sex, sex! They know nothing besides fast food and high-speed internet and instant gratification! Of course, we all know what romance is really about."

Jima snapped her fingers. "Advancing yourself politically?"

Sable pointed at her. "Precisely! But every now and then, when one gets lonely, a quick and dirty hookup can do one good. I'll make an exception just this once. But I warn you! My preferences are quite picky!"

"Oh, of course my lady!" Rihat logged out of his own account and began setting up a profile for Sable. After they added all of Sable's information, preferences, and her first ever 'selfie', Rihat made the account live.

"So… now what?" Sable asked.

"We wait for possible matches to roll in. Since we just finished setting up your account, it should take your you awhile before you get any—dear Thaal-Ja, you already have twelve thousand possible matches!"

Sable sat up and grinned proudly. "Well of course! Naturally my charms and status are irresistible."

"Actually the men of Lylat are just desperate," Rihat grumbled under his breath. He handed Sable back the phone. "Well, it's time to decide who makes the cut. Swipe left to reject the account, and swipe right if you are interested."

Sable grimaced and quickly swept through a legion of non-feline species. There were even several smaller cat species that she outright rejected based on their low social standing back on Thaljista.

Eventually however, she found a match.

"Ah! Who is this handsome fellow?"

She showed Rihat the profile photo of a dashing adult lion. The puma helped her scroll to see the rest of his information.

"Hmm… goes by Ryan. Such a regal name… Ryan! Rather short for a lion, just about my height. Is optimistic, likes movies, exotic food, and good weather. I wonder if he's into docudramas?"

"Well ma'am, what will your verdict be?"

Sable scratched her chin and scrutinized Ryan's profile. "Well, he could be of noble birth…and he is nearby in the Sargasso region… Oh what the heck, I'm desperate!"

And Sable emphatically swiped her finger right.

~X~

Aboard the Sargasso Station, an intense firefight raged on. Lord O'Donnell's plan to retake the captured hideout was well underway, thanks to a crackshot team of criminals. Only a few minutes ago they had taken the station's telecommunications, long range sensors, and shields offline, allowing Wolf to land his forces aboard the station. Now Wolf's invasion force and the Cornerian occupation were engaged in head-to-head skirmishes throughout the station.

But the specialized taskforce wasn't done quite yet. With their main objectives complete, they still needed to fight alongside the rest of Wolf's men and finish eradicating the Cornerian scum, reclaiming what rightfully belonged to them. Now Ryan, Rob, Austin, Michael, and Nick were ducking behind cover on Sargasso's main floor. Cornerian laser fire flashed above their heads, pinning them behind supply crates and fallen columns. Every once and awhile Michael or Austin would poke their heads and weapons around cover to return fire, before they were focused by a swarm of projectiles and had to retreat back to safety. Rob the llama saw to Ryan's wounded knee while Nick frantically kept track of enemy and ally forces on his tablet.

After a sizzling beam nearly fried off his ear, Austin ducked back behind cover. "Hey, Ryan!" he shouted across the gap between their two refuges. "I never thought I'd ask this, but desperate times call for desperate measures. What's your hair-brained scheme to get us out of this one?"

Rob kept working on Ryan's knee, but the lion waved him off. He struggled off the floor and rose to a kneeling position. "Well friends, I have to say I'm proud of what Team Unity has accomplished. Despite all odds being stacked against us, we managed to accomplish our mission and roll out the red carpet for the illustrious Lord O'Donnell to storm the station with the rest of our allies, setting in motion the reclamation of our home and the ousting of the Cornerian tyrants. Each and every one of you has played a part—some admittedly MMMMMMM larger than others—but you should all give yourselves a pat on the back."

Austin, Michael, and Nick all complied.

"I truly believe it was putting aside our differences and our grudges to work together that lead us to this resounding victory. And before you ask, no, I do not blame any one of you for this wound I have received. No matter how unnecessary it was. I most certainly do not blame any of you for being…oh, I don't know…incompetent. Rowdy. Inefficient. Easily distracted. Nor overly retarded at some points. I most definitely do not blame you for this festering wound which in every realm of possibilities could have been avoided. That is all behind us. What matters is that we proved we have the ability to work together as a team. In light of our recent success, I believe we can do anything! So long as we remember what's most important. Unity!"

"Well said!" Rob exclaimed as he patted Ryan's shoulder.

"Heck yeah we were a swell team!" Michael cheered.

Austin crossed his arms but still nodded. "Well, we don't normally agree, but for this once I think you've got a point Ryan. Like you said, our teamwork and loyalty helped us—"

"I MATCHED!" Ryan suddenly screamed.

Austin stumbled mid-sentence. "Uh, huh?"

Ryan struggled to his feet and whipped out his phone. "I matched with someone on Hindr! And hot-diggity is she a looker! This is the finest number of a jungle cat I've ever seen, and it looks like she's loaded! A real high-society girl!"

"How did you even match with someone that fast?!" Austin demanded.

"Oh, I had Nick set me up with a bot and a fake premium account that automatically swipes right for every new account created."

Austin clenched his fist and glared at the golden retriever. "You enabled this?!"

"R-Ryan, we're in the middle of a battlefield!" Nick reminded him.

"Sorry fellow underlings, but I have a greater calling I must answer! It is the calling of love. But I don't expect you aromantic types to understand it." The lion set off hobbling back through the cowering Star Wolf troops towards the hangar bay.

"But Ryan, your leg!" Rob called after him, raising the bandages and first aid kit.

"You know, the excruciating pain is less noticeable when I think about tonight's possibilities!"

As Ryan disappeared into the hangar bay, the rest of the team sat hunkered behind the rubble, slack-jawed and at a loss.

Finally Nick said, "Team Unity? More like Team…You Need To…Pee!" and smiled in anticipation of their laughter.

Nobody laughed at first, except for a lone Cornerian hiding behind a downed tram which Austin quickly silenced.

~X~

Three hours later, Sable was dressed and waiting for her dinner date outside a Titanian restaurant. The humble brick and mortar building sat perched atop a rocky asteroid barely even half its size. The asteroid floated lazily amongst the rest of Meteo's drifting rocks—the manmade structure its only distinguishing characteristic. A shimmering blue and green forcefield protected the restaurant from any other space rocks that drifted too close for comfort. The upkeep on that forcefield must have been ludicrous, and Sable expected the shop didn't see many customers way out here.

The jungle cat crossed her arms. "He's late."

Her bodyguards stood behind her, stationed between her and the _Onyx_, which was docked on the left side of the asteroid. It was so large it dwarfed the restaurant.

Jima bowed and offered up her thoughts. "My lady, perhaps he went to a different establishment?"

"Impossible," Sable huffed. "I doubt there are that many Lylatian restaurants named 'Mind Flood'. In fact, it seems to be the only restaurant within the entirety of this barren asteroid field. But mark my words, he will come! I will never be stood up. None dare cross Sable!"

As if on cue, a small transport shuttle phased through the forcefield. It closed the rest of the distance to the asteroid trailing bright flames and smoke, looking as if it had just escaped a dogfight and could implode at any minute. The three Thaljistanis watched in awe as it made a less-than-elegant landing on the right side of the asteroid.

The side hatch opened to emit a cloud of smoke and a stumbling lion. Ryan seemed to limp slightly, but he did his best to hide it. He was dressed in khaki shorts, a belt, blue dress shirt, cardigan sweater, and a red bowtie, which I'm pretty sure is illegal. For a moment he coughed and spluttered, but quickly regained his composure when he noticed Sable waiting. He straightened his bowtie and posture, brushed the rubble and ash from his sweater and gingerly clutched an item behind his back. Looking in the shuttle's window he licked his paw and brushed back the top of his lustrous mane. When he was finished primping he walked across the sidewalk and stopped in front of Sable. He bowed and offered her a bouquet of roses, the red petals of which were singed black. "My lady. You must be Sable."

Sable graciously accepted the roses and looked them over. "Oh how thoughtful! And indeed, I am she."

"If I may be so bold, what is your full name? It wasn't on your profile."

"It's just Sable."

Ryan internally pumped his fist. _Score! I'm already on a first-name basis!_ he thought, unaware that everyone was already on a first name basis with Sable because she did in fact only have a first name. She's been around for sixteen chapters of _Hazardous Contents_ and she still doesn't have a last name :/

"And you must be Ryan?" Sable followed up.

"Yes. Ryan Gary."

She looked at him expectantly. "Well, which is it?"

"I just told you. Ryan Gary."

"What, both at the same time?"

"Yes. Ryan Theodore Gary."

Sable cupped her chin and stared thoughtfully into the asteroid field. "My, I didn't know you were allowed to have two first names as your full name in Lylat. Well, you learn something new every day." Then Sable's nose twitched as she sniffed him. "Curious. You smell of ash and laser fire. Were you in a battle?"

The lion glanced back at the wreckage of his ship, which didn't technically count as a wreckage quite yet because it still flew—barely. "Uh, yeah, a battle. I was just helping Lord O'Donn—" His face suddenly paled and he looked at Sable apprehensively. "—Er, I was helping someone retake their, uh, mining colony. Needless to say I was held up longer than I expected, but I rushed over here as soon as I could."

Sable's eyes lit up. "Ah! You are a Lylatian warlord?! I would expect nothing less from you!" Ryan straightened up and smiled proudly as Sable praised him. "How brave and daring of you to take part in the battles yourself. You truly are a courageous—LOOK OUT!"

At that moment an entire grand piano dropped from the sky and shattered the pavement beside where they were standing. Ryan barely managed to scream and leap into Sable's arms to escape his fate as a lion-flavored pancake.

"That was meant for me," Ryan and Sable whispered at the same time. When they realized they had repeated one another, they looked at each other awkwardly before Sable put Ryan back down. The lion and panther brushed themselves off.

Ryan cleared his throat. "Yes, well, thank you for warning me." He noticed Jima and Rihat standing wide-eyed behind Sable, searching the forcefield's dome for the source of the piano. "And are these your friends?"

"No! Of course not," Sable retorted angrily. "They are my bodyguards. In light of…current events…" She looked down at the smashed piano. "I think they are necessary for my safety."

Ryan nodded in agreement. "Yes, I think so." He offered Sable his arm. "So, shall we dine?"

Sable accepted his arm and Ryan lead her towards the front door. Before entering Sable glanced up at the white letters sitting atop the roof and was reminded of the establishment's name.

"Mind Flood… that's an interesting name."

Ryan nodded. "It means the flow of skilled, educated workers from one planet or country to another. In this case, Titania. After Corneria 'liberated' the planet from Venomian control, most of the skilled workers left for Corneria for better opportunities. As a result, Corneria was flooded with immigrants with exceptional minds. Thus, 'Mind Flood'."

"Ah, I see." Sable was genuinely interested in any tidbit of Lylat's history she could gain.

~X~

Rihat followed them into the building and stationed herself at the front doors while Jima waited outside to watch the windows. A gecko host met them at the front desk. He wore a white dress shirt and a black vest. When Ryan held up two fingers he grabbed a pair of menus.

"Hello and welcome to Mind Flood, the best Titanian cuisine in Sargasso," the lizard rasped.

"The MMMMMMMMMM, only Titanian cuisine in Sargasso," Ryan corrected under his breath.

"Booth or table?"

"Booth," Sable answered.

The gecko squinted and searched through the sea of tables. "I think we may have one available. If you'll follow me please."

He led them across the dining space and empty table after empty table to a line of booths against the left wall. Ryan politely let Sable sit first before taking his seat, and the gecko placed the menus in front of them.

"A waiter will be with you in a minute," the host told them. "I must inform you that we are very busy at this hour, so it may take some time. I cordially ask for your patience."

Ryan saluted and waved him off. "Understood, garçon."

When the lizard disappeared Sable leaned across the table and whispered, "What does he mean 'busy'? There isn't another patron in sight!"

Ryan shrugged. "Well, I doubt they normally have any customers way out here, so even one couple is more than their usual traffic."

"Was this the best restaurant you could find?" she asked apprehensively.

"I'm sorry, but both of us were in Meteo, and this was the only available local option. I have heard whispers of a hidden burger joint somewhere, but haven't found any leads."

Sable sighed and did her best to recline in the booth. "Well, that is understandable. I would prefer Titanian food over low-caste fast food burgers any day. They are an insult to my palette."

"Oh aren't they? So uncivilized. And you're expected to eat them with your bare hands!"

"The mustard gets everywhere," Sable agreed. "Besides, I prefer exotic food over standard Cornerian fare."

"Oh I'm the same way! I love exotic food. We're very fortunate that the only restaurant in Sargasso is Titanian, else we'd be stuck with some other boring cuisine."

"Mm, yes."

Ryan began to sweat as he felt an awkward pause begin, and I am once again confronted with the fact that I am absolutely f #$ed on any date I might go on. The silence dragged on for a few seconds as they glanced absently about the restaurant. Finally Ryan settled on her dress, which had taken his breath away the moment he had seen her in it. It was made from white, feathery silk that shone even in the dim restaurant lighting. The gown was backless and sleeveless, only held up by a single neck halter. It sported a dangerous, plunging neckline that told him Sable meant business. Ryan tried his best to avert his eyes anywhere else.

He cleared his throat. "I must say, that is a stunning dress you have. I've fought many battles, but seeing a woman of your beauty in a dress like that is the closest I've come to being slain."

_God I'm good at compliments!_

Sable grinned mischievously. "Why thank you. It is my favorite dress. It must look strange to you, but then again, I find your choice of attire… odd. Though I admit I am not accustomed to Lylatian fashion. Regardless, a feline meeting the standards of beauty looks the same anywhere, regardless of the subject being in fashionable clothes or…out?"

Ryan gulped. "Why yes, I suppose one could say that."

Sable leaned forward and reached for Ryan's mane. The lion flinched slightly and ducked down, but then gave in. He held his breath nervously as Sable stroked the top of his hair.

"My, you have such a wonderful mane. I always admired lions for their natural hair."

When Sable withdrew her paw Ryan released his breath and relaxed, but Sable studied him curiously. "Strange, normally stroking a lion's mane elicits a purr."

Ryan's eyes widened. "Oh. I, uh… can't feel my hair."

Sable cocked her head. "You can't feel your hair?"

"Yeah. It was, um, paralyzed during the Lylat Wars. In battle."

Sable adopted a sympathetic expression. "Oh, you poor thing!"

Before the pantheress could inquire further about the heroic tale of how his mane came to be paralyzed, the host returned to their table. Strangely he was dressed in a waiter's apron and a fake mustache. He bowed to the two of them.

"Good evening, my name is Rhajit and I will be your waiter for this evening."

Sable raised an eyebrow. "It took you ten minutes to put on an apron and a phony mustache?"

Ignoring her the gecko asked, "What can I get you all tonight?"

Ryan and Sable quickly glanced over the menu and ordered a mix of appetizers and entrees, with Ryan helping Sable choose, given she was a stranger to Lylat and he was a seasoned fan of Titanian cuisine.

The waiter (?) scribbled their orders down in illegible handwriting. When he was finished he bowed. "I shall see to your orders at once. It should only take about ten minutes or so." Before he left he whipped out a tall white chef's hat and placed it on his head, adjusted his mustache, and marched towards the kitchen.

Ryan and Sable couldn't think of anything to say during his absence. Either that or neither of them felt brave enough. Ryan spent the time imaging her in various states of undress, while Sable imagined the lion as a step stool.

The gecko returned with their drinks (minus the chef's hat) while mumbling something about the food taking a little longer before he slinked off towards the kitchen.

Ryan clapped his hands in delight and eagerly reached for his soy protein milkshake. But just when he placed the straw to his lips and puckered, Sable grabbed his wrist.

"Wait! Don't drink that!"

Ryan extricated the straw from his mouth. "What? Why not?"

"Haven't you noticed the slight ochre discoloration?"

The lion frowned. "I think that's just the soy."

Sable dipped a claw into his milkshake and stirred. In a few seconds the off-white milkshake transformed into a swirling, inky black cloud.

"Wh-what did you do to it?!" Ryan demanded.

"My nails are painted with a chemical base that reacts to many common poisons. I grew suspicious when my own drink smelled of bitter almonds."

Ryan's eyes widened. "You don't mean to say—"

"Yes. Someone is trying to poison us."

Ryan leaned in and lowered his voice to a whisper. "Who could it be? Is a rival family out to get you? Do they not take kindly to our being together?"

"It is a possibility, but I think that's a cover up. We're just in Elarix territory."

"Ohhh." Ryan nodded knowingly.

"He's just salty because none of his characters were chosen in the date fic drawing."

The lion chanced a glance over his shoulder and saw the gecko's beady eyes peering through the slit in the kitchen doorway at them.

"I fear him. That's a man who truly has nothing left to lose."

Sable quickly shushed him. "He's coming! Act natural." As the gecko neared their table the pantheress cleared her throat and raised her voice. "Ahem! As I was saying, all the non-feline species in the Lylat should be exterminated! No exceptions."

The waiter graciously set their meals before them and bowed as he normally did before turning tail and slithering back to the kitchen. Now Ryan studied his food distrustfully, only willing to prod it from a distance with his fork. "Well, that explains the grand piano…"

Sable picked through her food as well, but eventually seemed satisfied. "Do not worry, the food is safe. An assassin rarely strikes twice the same way."

"Ah, splendid! I'm starved." Ryan breathed a sigh of relief and dug into his Titanian edamame salad. Sable, on the other hand, had ordered an assortment of flavorful kabobs minus the skewers. They included a mix of grilled meats and vegetables native to the desert planet, all doused in a healthy dose of spices. But instead of using the forks provided, Sable instead skewered the chunks of food one by one with her pointed nails. Ryan seemed visibly put-off by her seeming lack of manners. "Y-you're just going to eat those with your hands?"

Sable licked her fingers daintily. "Of course. Is that not how you eat around here?"

"No! Not at all. I mean, most Lylatians eat with utensils."

"Hmm. How cumbersome."

"But it's insanitary to eat with your fingers! Think of all the germs you could get if you weren't to wash them afterwards. And it's all so… messy!"

"But this is the natural way cats eat. Don't tell me you've gone docile."

Sable continued eating her food with her claws. At this point Ryan couldn't even stomach his own food. He was too fixated on Sable's uncleanly method of eating that he started to feel sick to his stomach. He thought of all the places she might touch without properly washing her hands off; a scratch to her face, the handles of her purse, the strap of her dress, her wine glass, his own hand if he were to get to half base that night, the door handle on the way out…

Ryan began breathing heavily. He sweated nervously but tried to mask his discomfort. Discreetly he slipped out a bottle of hand sanitizer and squirted a dollop in his paws. Once his hands were well doused, he lifted his fork and shakily resumed eating his edamame.

"You know," Sable began, "I'm rather surprised at how tame you are. The lions I'm familiar with from Thaljista were all domineering and cruel. You on the other hand are gentle and sweet."

Ryan smiled proudly. "Why thank you!"

Sable slammed her fist down. "It is a weakness! You have forgotten what it means to be a feral cat. You do not have to hold your predatory nature back to protect other Lylatians. That is just their way of cowing you! Of making sure you do not succeed in society! They are holding you back. You are a lion. Roar! Raise your voice! Get angry! Strike fear into the hearts of anyone who crosses you. You…you don't file your nails down, do you?"

Ryan held his paws defensively. "Of course I do! Someone could get hurt! You might stab someone's eye out!"

Sable slapped her palm over her face. "Thaal-Ja help me…" She gestured around to Ryan's food. "Look at the diet you are consuming! All the phytoestrogens in this soy has depleted your male libido!"

"Nonsense! I'm merely watching my diet."

"Aren't you aware excessive amounts of isoflavones lower your testosterone?" She began counting off on her fingers. "They cause erectile dysfunction, decrease muscle mass, induce depression, fatigue, and osteoporosis, and lower your sex drive and sperm count!"*

Ryan's jaw dropped. "That sounds awful, and I don't even know what osteoporosis is!"

"It looks like all you consume is soy! In the future, avoid processed foods during space travel, and lay off the soylent."

"Oh dear. Does…does soy cause hair loss?"

"Why do you ask?"

"N-no reason! Just thinking ahead."

"In that case, yes, there is a good chance it does."

Ryan's shoulders slumped. _Ah, that explains it…_

The gecko made his way back to the tables, only now he was a she. He was dressed in a cheap, brown-haired wig and red lipstick. He scrubbed the tables down with a spray bottle and sponge, even though they clearly hadn't seen guests in years. Sable intently eyed the 'cleaning lady's' bright yellow gloves with suspicion.

Now Ryan could hardly bring himself to eat his food. Every mouthful he considered the damage it could do to his masculinity. Still, he forced himself to eat in front of Sable. Though his health food worldview had been completely upended, he wouldn't let that set back his date.

With most of her own meal finished, Sable reclined sideways across the booth. She absently picked her teeth and studied Ryan with the expression she might adopt when deciding which dress to wear that morning. "So, Ryan, you might not be as fearsome as native Thaljistani lions, but I assume you have some high standing in Lylat."

He nodded. "You could say that. I am a leader, after all."

She picked a tiny green herb from between her teeth. "And whom do you lead? What is your occupation?"

"My occupation? Well, I'm a mercenary warlord for hire! Myself and my teammates—I mean, loyal soldiers—can overcome any task."

Suddenly Ryan felt a strange twitching in his hair, but the motion was imperceptible to Sable.

"Interesting. It may so happen that I have a job for you…but business can come later. I still have more questions. Tell me, what is your net worth?"

Ryan nearly spit out his water. "My what?"

"Net worth. The sum total of all your assets minus debts. If we are to continue our relationship I must know."

Ryan was a little off-put by her forwardness and lack of tact, but at this point he would do anything to get to first base. "Well, I've never really sat down to calculate it. You see, I live outside the reach of Cornerian tyranny, so I rarely quantify all my assets. I don't have to pay taxes, you see."

Now Ryan's mane seemed to be squirming atop his head, but he did his best to hide it by pretending to adjust it with his hands.

"Hmm, yes. Well that is a plus. Now, show me your teeth."

Ryan obliged by smiling as dashingly as he could, but he was taken off-guard when Sable pulled his lips back to examine his molars and gums as well. "I must say you have a very fine set of fangs. A shame you don't bite into anything more dangerous than a tofu cube."

"MMMMM, the next time I have to bite someone to save my life, I'll let you know."

Finally Sable noticed the unnatural vibrations in his mane, which had become quite violent. "Good gracious, are you alright?"

Ryan grabbed the top of his hair and held it in place. "Uh yeah, everything's fine! If you'll uh, excuse me for a moment…"

Without another word he rushed off to the restrooms, leaving Sable alone. She was left with a confused look across her face, but eventually shrugged and blew it off. For a while she occupied herself by glancing around the restaurant's exotic interior decorations, but they could only distract her for so long. Finally when Ryan had been gone a suspiciously long amount of time her impatience reached a boiling point. She shot up from the table and angrily marched towards the restrooms after Ryan.

When she arrived in front of the men's room she rapped harshly on the door. "Ryan, are you in there?! How dare you leave me waiting for so—"

A horrendous crash came from inside the restroom, followed by Ryan's pained yelp.

Sable's blood ran cold. What if the restroom was booby-trapped as well?

Without a second thought she barged in to find Ryan staggering around the bathroom, apparently wrestling with something on his head. He growled through clenched teeth and his knuckles turned white, but he couldn't get whatever it was off his head. Accompanying him was another set of growls that were more high-pitched and belonged to an unidentified creature.

Sable gasped in horror when he finally ripped an enormous chunk of hair out and hurled it into a stall, bellowing at the top of his lungs.

"Ryan, are you okay?!" she demanded.

Finally the lion noticed Sable watching. "What are you doing here?! It's dangerous! You should be back—"

But a series of feral sniffs and snorts emitted from the stall before a cry like a banshee pierced the air. Ryan's mop of hair came flying back at him from the stall and latched onto his face. Ryan yelled and grabbed the furry little monster again. He stumbled drunkenly towards Sable who helped him extricate it from his face. The creature snarled and spat a flurry of saliva over her before scratching her paws with tiny, needle-like claws that she couldn't even see; its hands were obscured in the mess of wavy brown hair.

"Don't let it get you!" Ryan warned. Before it could attack her he flung it back into the restroom and grabbed Sable's hand, leading her out into the restaurant. The furry little monster followed them like a rabid animal, tearing up the carpet along the way. The pair of felines cowered in the restaurant's corner as it closed in on them.

Sensing that Ryan would be of little use, Sable decided to take matters into her own hands. Moments before it reached them, she set her foot up on a table and split her skirt open to her thigh, revealing a holster for a concealed blaster. She removed the weapon, armed it, and fired at the beast, stopping it cold in its tracks. She fired again, and again, and again, the blasts deafening their ears. Altogether she must have fired nearly a dozen times, until little remained of the monster but a charred black clump of hair.

"What in Thaal-Ja's name was that?! I have never seen the likes of it before!"

At this moment Ryan finally accepted his game was up. He extricated himself from the corner and approached Sable. At first he covered his head with his hands, but then realized it wasn't any use.

"Sable," he began, "I've been hiding something from you. I'm not the dashingly handsome lion you thought I was. At least, not from the scalp up. What you saw me wearing all night, and what just attacked us wasn't my hair. It was a toupee. That is, a demon-possessed toupee that was possibly another assassination attempt…" He lifted his hands, revealing that the crown of his main was completely gone. "Sable, I'm bald. Bald as a baboon's bum."

Sable looked even more horrified at the sight than when the creature had attacked them.

Before Ryan continued, Rhajit the gecko scampered over, now disguised in a red sash and clutching a Titanian viola to his chin. He played a touching tribute as Ryan made his plea. "Sable, I know I have deceived you about my hair. Yes, I have lied about myself. But I only did so because I felt unworthy! I know I do not deserve you, so I tried to be more than I really was. Well, my dishonesty only reaped folly. Any conflict between us is my fault, and I accept all the blame. But I still want you to know that I love you deeply from the bottom of my heart! I humbly ask that you look past my hideous physical defect. After all, love is more than mere good looks. I won't fake it anymore, so please accept me for who I am!"

Sable was left speechless by his emotional plea, and both Ryan and Rhajit looked on expectantly. Finally she nodded. "Alright Ryan, I accept your apology." The lion released a pent up breath, but then Sable bent down and picked up the smoldering carcass of his toupee. "Regardless, please keep wearing this. You are repulsive to look at otherwise."

~X~

The rest of their date went quite amicably, all things considered. They enjoyed a round of dessert together before Ryan picked up the tab and tipped their waiter. When Rhajit came to take his card, Ryan asked him to pay his compliments to the chef. Rhajit merely ducked behind the next booth and slipped on the chef's hat again to accept them.

When they were all finished they walked outside and Ryan saw Sable to her ship. Ryan still wore the charred remains of his toupee at Sable's request.

"So this 'Lord O'Donnell' fellow, he is quite competent then?" Sable asked.

"Yes, quite so. In fact he's the best criminal mastermind in the Lylat!"

"And you have no shame taking orders from a long-nose?" she sneered.

"Ma'am, in the Lylat System, we believe in equality among the species."

"Well, if you are confident in his abilities, I may have a job for him. Paying in the millions of credits."

Ryan's pupils turned into dollar signs. "Oh, I'm sure he'll be interested."

"I'll stay in touch."

Sable turned and climbed the boarding ramp into the _Onyx_'s hold, but Ryan called after her. "H-hey, wait! We haven't decided on our next date yet!"

The pantheress looked over her shoulder at him. "I'm sorry, I don't date, MMMMMM, middle-schoolers."

She left Ryan slack-jawed at the edge of the sidewalk as the boarding ramp closed. In a flurry of crackling energy and searing heat, the _Onyx_ turned and departed the restaurant's forcefield. All Ryan could do for a moment was stare at the ripple the ship left in the atmospheric shield while it slowly receded back into its normal, placid state.

Then Ryan grinned and pumped his fist. While the evening hadn't gone exactly as he planned, he still had the honor of going on a date with a high-society feline. Whipping out his phone he dialed a number and placed it to his ear. After a few rings the recipient answered, and he said, "Hey Rob, guess who got laid tonight?"

He smiled to himself while waiting for Rob's response. But when it came his cocky grin disappeared and he nearly crushed his phone in his fist.

"YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ANYWHERE NEAR MY MOM!"

**THE END**

~X~

_A/N: *In males with pre-existing high estrogen counts._


End file.
